Friday, December 17, 2010

Pursuit Of Favour

One thing I'm guilty of (most of the time) is being a people pleaser. It's one of my least favourite characteristics. It sucks. It's hard. And, more often than not, not satisfying.

I get we're called to be servants to people (wait, do i fully get it?), but I'm pretty sure there's a line between that and people pleasing. If you asked, I would say I do it because I want others to be happy. But a secret part of me would say it's because I want people to like me. And it works. I mean, not many people don't like me (that I know of).

But it's painful. And it makes me feel so fake. But I have this thing that makes me want to make others happy, with me. I don't want to be disagreed with or told I was wrong. I can't take criticism (constructive or not). 

Ever since I was a little girl I've tried to do the right thing. I was scared of getting in trouble if I ever stood a toe out of line. That slowly grew into not wanting to disappointing anyone. After being a 'good girl' for so long, I felt that's what was expected of me and any less is frowned upon and make others look down on me and see me as a failure.

I get teary eyed if I get corrected by teachers or other adult (seriously). I cannot stand not being perfect. I get there a lot of things I can't do (sports, for example). But that's because that's not expected of me (oh so I think). I feel since I've proved that I can behave and get good marks at school, I have to be at my best at those all the time

Failing crushes me. It really does. It's discouraging and makes me not want to try. I've heard so many success stories of people using their failures as the first step to success (J.K Rowling for example). That's great. For them. I still haven't learnt how to do that. And I'm too proud to ask for help. Or let anyone in.

P.S I'm terrified of posting this. But let this be one act of bravery for 2010.

3 comments:

  1. well done for posting. :)

    remember you aren't defined by anything other than Jesus and the way He made you.

    p.s. you're 15, and you have plenty of opportunities ahead to hit rock bottom and bounce back up again. (haha that's odd encouragement.)

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  2. this is a topic to be mulled over with coffee and brownies. i volunteer to make the coffee...lol...

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