You know, usually when I'm ultra pissed off and sulk and cry, I don't want any company. I don't want to be cheered up. And I don't want to look for a solution. I just want to be stubborn and cry. I realise I'm being unreasonable, but reasoning is last thing I want to do at times like this.
But there have been VERY rare cases when I did actually want somebody there with me. But I've grown so accustomed to pushing everyone away during these moments. How do you "go" to somebody. How do you take up on the offer "I'm here if you need me"? This is something I still haven't yet fully understood.
On a related note, I've heard so many times that even when our lives are in shambles, God is still awesome. I agreed with that most of the time (ie. when my life is feeling good). But when I was really near (or at) my lowest, I thought, "So? How does that help in any way? That's great God, you're perfect, good for you. Meanwhile, I'm still feeling like crap. Woop. Dee. Doo".
But then one night (tonight), I played "Beautiful One" by Tim Hughes (Jeremy Camp's version) and I realised, listening to this song, that even when I am down in the stinking metaphoric mud of sucky situations, HE'S STILL GOD. I found that no matter what happens, I still adore God for who he is and what he so lovingly did/does for me. I may sound a bit vague and cliche (perhaps preachy) right about now, but... I was surprised when I found that God being God puts joy in my heart. God, for no other reason but being his awesomely, loving and gracious self gave/gives me so much reason to absolutely love him.
There's this... freedom that comes from worshiping God from the pits.
I don't know how else to say it, but there is an amazing (amazing: inspiring awe or admiration or wonder) feeling that comes from pondering the vast greatness (oh there goes another overused adjective) of God.
I always thought when people said this, they were just trying to cover up their mess and pretend everything's okay. But that's not it (well, for me at least). It was acknowledging that there is mess, but more importantly than that, there is God. More importantly. There's time to sort yourself out later. Ask for counseling, talk to the right people... But first and foremost, there is God.
I have just come to realise this and thought I should share it before I forget it.
Oh, and one last thing, using words like 'awesome', and 'gracious' just doesn't do justice to what I'm trying to get across.
"Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say "infinitely" when you mean "very"; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite" - C.S Lewis
That's all I wanted to say for now.