Being miserable was like my resting place. It's like I liked being unhappy. I think it was my equivalent to people cutting themselves. Except I didn't need a blade to make myself feel physically sore. My emotions were that strong. I had breakdowns constantly which lasted about twenty minutes and then..... it was as if I was snapped out of a daydream and I'd have no idea how I felt only moments before.
Anyway, why go on about my awesome life? Because I'm climbing out of that hole. It takes a lot to be positive. To be hopeful. To pray and believe. To tell myself that things most definitely will get better. It's easy to be stubborn and spiral my way into depression. It's takes all the effort to go against that. Onward and upwards I go.
I'm gonna make a lil shout out to my eldest sister Bina! You're a pretty mint eldest sister.
*insert some more heartfelt cheese-dripping sentences that is awkward to say in person but makes you smie anyway* (I know my way into a womans heart)
This morning at church, we had an old man preach (I actually feel bad for forgetting his name). He had the most inspiring message I'd heard in a long time. What was it about? Encouragement. Such a basic concept to spend the whole service on but something that needed to be re-enforced and reminded of. I don't remember the exact points he made (I'm waiting for you Joel to upload the podcast!) but what I do remember is feeling so...... encouraged!
He was so encouraging! And not in a patronising aww-poor-you-sinner-it's-okay-God-loves-you-anyway way. But in a sincere hope-giving way (yeah Christian sounding phrases ftw). I can't wait till the podcast is uploading (anyday now eh JOEL?! Kidding. I know you have a busy geeky schedule :P) so I can listen to it again.
During the singing songs part, Hamo encouraged me (oh and the rest of the church) to push through. Like how the sick woman physically pushed through the crowds of eager Jesus-craving people to touch his cloak. Just his clothing? That doesn't even count right? Wrong. Her faith and pushing that got her her breakthrough. I didn't even feel like singing during the praise and worship part. I just wanted to fast-forward the whole ordeal and listened to the message then leave. ASAP.
But what Hamo said what exactly what I needed to hear. The very thing that I needed to do. Push through. Push through my boredom and push through my dislike of the songs chosen. Push through my preference of sitting on the chair and being emo. Push through and reach out to Him who's waiting with arms wide open. And boy the relief I found in his arms. I felt so in love and I knew that that simple encouragement was the catalyst to something good. Thanks Hamo for being my enzyme. (I tried to find your fb page to thank you there but I couldn't find it so hope you see this!)
"It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."
- Relient K