Sunday, October 30, 2011

I'm Nervous So I'll Blog

So tomorrow I'll be presenting a speech/seminar to my English class. Now this didn't really scare me. Till now. I've just pictured myself standing in front of the class and getting judged. Now, I don't mind the fact that they're gonna be staring at me for about five minutes - but I'm going to stand there and delivering my work that they're free to judge it.

To me, English is my least favourite subject when it comes to showing people my work. Because it's such a personal subject. In physics, I get bad marks if I answered incorrectly or miscalculated or have no idea what physics concept is goin' on. But in English, what I write is kinda what I believe in. Writing is such a personal thing that when it's judged or marked if really affects me. I'm really proud when it's good and really bummed when it's bad.

English isn't black and white and it's not clear cut what I should or should not do. So when I get things wrong, I feel very belittled.

Showing the teacher a written assignment is bad enough - but to stand in front of people and deliver it yourself - that's a whole new level. I have to stand by every single word I deliver. I'm getting a bit shaky just thinking about it.

Another side of me is telling me that I'm being silly and that people in my class have already done it and gotten it over and done with and that I could do the same. It's only going to last for about five minutes.

But that side of me is too quite and the nervous side's panic overpowers it!

Just five minutes Laura. It'll be over in five minutes.......

*deep breath*

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I Can't Insert This Into Casual Conversation

...which is one of the things I like about blogging. I can say things which seem random and out of the blue but it's okay. I can say it whenever I please and the reader reads whenever it suits them. It's a comfortable exchange.

So onto what I wanted to say:

I've watched a lot of vloggers (yes that's a "v", not a "b".) do a survey in which one of the questions were "What would you name your children?" A lot of them replied by saying they weren't even sure they'll have children.

Now I know this is a common decision. Well, actually no, I don't know. I've only seen it on television or YouTube. I don't actually know real-life people who don't want children. (well, maybe I do, but we don't talk about it. How do you bring up the subject of children without sounding like you want them with that person. Awkward.)

But I've always thought that I'd have children someday. And not in an oh-I-want-two-girls-one-boy-named- Susan-Rebecca-and-Jude way. I don't have some sort of fantasy family in mind. I just always thought of children as such a natural part of life. You eat, you poop, you sleep, you have children. I mean, we were born because our parents had children (and I don't mean that's the meaning of our existence. What I mean is that as a result of giving birth - here we are).

And maybe I only have these thoughts because as a seventeen-year-old, having children is just a concept and not an important decision I have to make right now. I know that having children is generally really inconvenient compared to a child-less life. But the thought of NOT having children is so alien to me.

I don't know if that's a good way to wrap up a post - well, I didn't wrap it up but I wanna stop in case I write something TOO weird.

Kthanksbye!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Homesick

You know, some of the best epiphanies I get are in the shower. Which sucks because I can't exactly record my thoughts as I get them so by the time I'm dry, dressed and on the laptop - I've lost it. Like right now. I remember thinking about something brilliant but it took so long for me to do two fish plaits on my hair that I just totes forgot about it. Hmmm...

Oh wait! Oh wait!! I THINK IT'S COMING BACK.....

okay.


Since watching The Orator (that Samoan movie in the cinemas), I have this feeling in me that just wants to do Samoan things. Like, wear a puletasi, siva Samoa, drink coconut (from a coconut tree that Kimoki climbed - or however he got those things). Okay, DON'T roll your eyes and tell me those aren't what real Samoans do. It's what I used to do when I lived there so that's what I miss!!

I miss Samoa so much now. Apia, Saoluafata, Lalomanu, Uakoko's shop (that's how you spell his name right family?). The only times I've gone back to Samoa have been for occasions like weddings or funerals. Don't get me wrong, those occasions are special but just once, I want to go back merely to visit (or live.... maybe....). No fa'alavelave, no stressing. Just a visit. Hang with family, go to the beach, take photos, complain about the dust and humid.

I feel so far away from Samoa. And not just physically. I feel so un-Samoan. I don't want to be that "fia palagi" because to be honest, I think sometimes I am. So I want to shun that snobby part of me and not be such a "plastic Samoan" as one of my best friends so kindly put it (shout out to you - You know who you are *stern look*).

Oh, and I don't actually own a puletasi. I used to, but I gave 'em away.


So this isn't as awesome as I remembered. I remember having something way in-depth. This post just doesn't feel - fantastic. It's just me being homesick. Home is where the heart is. And atm, my heart's in the motherland. Nevertheless, I shall publish.

Tofa soifua :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Late Night Writing (blog reflection time)

It's nearly midnight so I brushed my teeth and washed my face - getting ready for bed. Just after I applied my night moisturiser, I felt so... awake! I was going to read a book in bed to make me feel sleepy but I thought by the time I did feel sleepy, I'd be too tired to stand up and turn the light off. So instead, I turned the light off, reached for the laptop and now here we are. Midnight blogging in the dark.

I don't know why I find it so enjoyable but sitting here typing feels nice. I just want to type. Something. Anything. Which may mean a boring piece for you, reader. Sorry.


Last year, blogging to me felt like writing in a journal. I'd type whatever is on my mind whether it be long, short, interesting or just one sentence. lauratoailoa.blogspot.com was a place where I could put my thoughts on screen and somehow make them official. It was a really personal space.

Now however (as low as the number is), people read my blog. Actual people. Since having real-time post updates on facebook, all my fb friends who didn't use blogger could still get live feed on when I uploaded posts. Which then made my blog a bit less private.

I've noticed that as this year has progressed, I've become more audience friendly (I think) and I'm starting to be aware that the stuff I write (nonsensical or not) was going to be read. So I became more sharing and show-y and tell-y. A place where I get a message across or tell you about my life.

Which I find weird (which is weird because it's all me so why am I surprised?). I've contemplating removing that automatic facebook update and retreat back to being a semi-secret blogger but I've noticed that one or two really good friends of mine have enjoyed a lot of my posts and they only access it through fb. So I decided to leave that automatic update.

Coming to a close on this rambling of mine, I'm coming to terms to the fact that my blog may be becoming less "journal-y" and more "hey-guys-I-have-something-to-tell-you-y". But  maybe every so often I'll spill my guts here when I absolutely want to (and maybe not post it on fb) ;)

Also also also, thank you for taking the time to read this. How very nice (or nosey) of you :P

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My Friends

If you've followed my blog since last year or read my posts in my archive, you would've read this post. If you haven't, it was basically a post about friends and how I didn't have many. Now I wasn't a loner who no one talked to. I just had many acquaintances who I didn't consider as friends. My lack of friends caused me to be slightly clingy to particular people (ok fine - person) who I then got all attached to; and not in a good healthy platonic way. Yeah.... you know.... the other kind.

BUUUT that is not what I want to draw your attention to (goodness no). What I DO want to highlight is the amount of friends I have now. You see, last year, I created this mental criteria of what it means to be a friend. I cataloged the people I knew into friends, acquaintances, family and others.

Since then, I have broadened my definition. There was something someone said to me and he only mentioned it in passing but I never forgot. He said that though we were not close friends, we were still friends. Which got me thinking...

Friendship is a continuous variable. There are different levels of closeness (so to speak). I don't really know how to explain, but I consider a heap of people my friends now. I think I have lots of friends. Who I like very much and who make me happy - and I hope I do the same for them.

There are people who I've gotten to know more this year after knowing them for a long while before. But yeah, here's a shout out to all my friends.

All five billion of you ;)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Being Human (I don't like that title)

Some people see the world without much emotion. It's like finding the scientific explanation to things makes them less beautiful because we know how it operates.

"A rainbow is an optical and meteorological phenomenon that causes a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the Sun shines on to droplets of moisture in the Earth's atmosphere. It takes the form of a multicoloured arc. 
Rainbows caused by sunlight always appear in the section of sky directly opposite the sun." - Wiki

Knowing this doesn't make it any less beautiful. And when there's a double rainbow, it's doubly awesome.

People do this with human emotions and behaviour too. We dissect things to find the scientific explanation like chemical triggers in the brain. People can explain why romance and chocolate make you feel the same kind of satisfaction. But that doesn't make either thing less enjoyable (shut up about the example k?).

Science is fascinating (right?!) but we shouldn't let it replace the beauty of life. The stars were pretty bright dots before we knew it was a  "massive, luminous ball of plasma held together by gravity.". It's beautiful even now that we know.

All animals have sex and babies. But humans adopt other babies - from across the world. After years of paperwork and paying a heap of money and waiting in a super long waiting list and being interviewed intensely about the type of home they can provide. That isn't instinct. That's commitment. 

When the going gets tough or depressing, humans keep going. We choose to do what doesn't feel so good if we think it's right. There may be some scientific explanation but it's still amazing.

Like getting halfway through Zumba and feeling like your insides are about to spill out of your sides but choosing to keep going and do the whole 50 mins. Like forgiving someone who broke a promise, who lied, who told your colouring in intermediate school was ugly. Like being selfless and giving. 

I believe that this capacity to do what seems contrary to our instincts is God given. We humans are special vessels that He can operate through. We can show goodness and kindness because He does through us.  Those times that I hate people - it's He who reminds me of His great love for me and for that person. He reminds me that He's expanded my capacity to love to reach those who I feel don't deserve it. He reminded me that it isn't up to me to decide who deserves love. He made enough for everyone and I shouldn't deprive them of it. He reminded me that He loved me when I ignored him for a week. I wouldn't read his letters or talk to him except for that time I needed him.

I don't know how to end this blog and it didn't really go where I initially intended. But I'll stop now because I'm tired and if I don't publish this now, I may read it tomorrow, second guess myself and not publish it at all. Which is happening already... argh.. PUBLISH!! okay....

Study Break

Today is a Saturday and the first day of our two-week holiday study break. Boy I'm glad that there's no school for two weeks. However, this relief is tainted with the prospect of two weeks of studying for end-of-year-exams. Five exams with three or four papers in each.

But I will stay positive - set daily goals of what needs to done and not think of it as dull and feet dragging. *mental note to blog about learning*

So to enter this two week study break, I'll be positive and determined. Here are study-friendly things I do to make studying a little more bearable. Note: it might not work for you - it's just my thang.

1. Make a study playlist. I know everyone's different but I and a large number of the human race like working to music. So I like to compile a music playlist. When I'm working on math or physics, I can listen to pretty much any music. The lyrics don't distract me from working with numbers. However, studying for other subjects is difficult with lyrics so I like to listen to orchestral music from movies. Favourites include Dr Who, LOTR, Lion King and the Muse song with the long "E" word in the title.

2. Work in a clean environment. Clean and neat. Also quite. Having a cluttered and noisy environment is distracting. Being in a tidy room helps focus my mind to my work.

3. Do past exams. It'll highlight what you don't know and what you need to study more on. Study the stuff you have to and try another paper. Repeat till you're confident with answering all the questions.

4. Do fun things in the day. Keep your life and don't pressure yourself too much. Work but don't overwhelm yourself. There's gotta be a balance no work is as uneffective as too much work that gets too much that you won't be able to remember anything come the exam.

5. Oh and also study groups are helpful. But that depends on the person. You'll know whether you're the type of person that'll just hang out with the 'study group' and not do any work.

6. GET OFF MY BLOGSPOT AND FACEBOOK. It helps - believe it or not.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Inbox, Coffee, Hair and Plastic Bags

I had 6902 messages in my inbox.

I deleted them overnight.

When I woke up only 4015 messages had been deleted.

Wow that took ages right?










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Drinking coffee out of a milo mug - like a boss.

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That looks pretty mint right? It took so many fail shots to get these three decent ones. It's hard taking a photo of the back of your head until I finally remembered about the self-timer setting. That's right, I'm cool.

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SCENARIO: You've just been grocery shopping and now you're stuck with a bunch of empty clean plastic bags. What in the world are you supposed to do with these?? DO NOT FEAR my friend. I will, humbly, lend you my secret.
FOLD, FOLD, FOLD!
 It minimises the amount of space it takes up. It's easy to store and if ever you need a plastic bag, it won't be ugly and crinkly from that time you did a half-hearted scrunch and tucked it into some random drawer.



This was random and I hope you liked it :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I'm Tired

You know what makes me sad? A lot of things. But one in particular right now is when big corporate officials are douche bags and make things unfair so they make money. It's driving me nuts right now. Right now as in this very moment. As I'm typing...

Another thing that makes me tired is trying to do homework but am falling asleep.

On a happier note,

This is the last week of term coming up. Just five more school days until a two week break. There are a few things I plan to get done. One, a massive clean up of my room. And two, lots of studying (hurrah).

But it also means time to watch a movie and more television in general. Ever since we got Sky back, I feel like someone's always watching television when I want to. I just want to sit down, hog the remote and watch as much Doctor Who and Rom Com movies and I want. Please.

Sometimes I get confused between coming up with new ideas to improve living conditions or just plain ole complaining. Like sometimes I sit and ponder on all the different ways that exams can be assessed in (for want of a better word) better way. But then I also think, if you spent that time doing actual studies to pass the exams that are assessed in the current way, maybe that'll be better.

And then I go on to think of all those important figures of human history and how their challenging thinking and fresh perspective of life changed society.

And then I realise that I've allowed myself enough internet fun and should back to my physics homework.

Goodbye! :D