Friday, June 29, 2012

Brain Crack

Brain crack is an idea you have. A brilliant idea. An idea that if executed in the perfect conditions will be amazing. Except, you don't execute the idea. You think ways to make it better, you wait till you have more money, more experience, more familiarity with it, more time, more energy. Because this idea will be spectacular if you can get it just right. But instead of ACTUALLY doing it, it just remains an idea. In your head. It addictive because you keep thinking up of ways to improve it. But you never actually do it because you're not quite ready yet and it might turn into custard. Time gets wasted because instead of using it as a period of improvement and upskilling yourself, you're left with the same ole ability and the ever expanding idea.

This happens to me a lot. With craft stuffs, hair ideas, but especially regarding blog posts.

I think of so many blog topics that I brainstorm and elaborate on. Then I mentally edit it and cut a bit here and there. I change it up a lil' and try to make it just right. The problem is, my brain doesn't let those ideas flow to my fingertips onto the keyboard. My brain just hoards the ideas. Too afraid to release it into the void of the unknown.

What if it's crap? What if I think of a better way to do it? What if people don't like it? What if I don't like it? What if people will look at me differently? What if people take it the wrong way? Have I made myself clear enough to steer clear of miscommunication? Whatifwhatifwhatif......

But what if it's great? What if I get better by doing it more? What if you develop a thicker skin? What if you take a stance alone and find out that it's possible? What if everything goes right?

These questions won't get answers if I don't let out my brain crack. This addiction needs to be rid of. Get my ideas out there and do 'em!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Not Alone

I'm not the only one who feels like they're sick of being "the good girl" all the time and that there's so much pressure to be better than the average human if you're generally not horrible.

I'm not the only one who gets angry at my parents and siblings.

I'm not the only one who thinks about running away and cutting ties from everyone I know and to just start again.

I'm not the only one who didn't get an Excellence.

I'm not the only who's cried myself to sleep.

I'm not the only one who's felt so fat and ugly that I just want to hide and hate myself in a corner of loathsome.

I'm not the only one who's felt so out of place in an unfamiliar place. Like being in Taupo surrounded by rich white skinny families with flash cars.

I'm not the only one who's been terribly embarassed by being wrong.

I'm not the only one who has felt alone even though I'm constantly sourrounded by people who love me.

I'm not the only one that has failed and hated myself for failing and hated myself for hating myself and so on.

I'm not the only one who's gotten rejected.

No. I'm not the only one. I'm not alone in these horrible experiences. You are not alone. It feels like it because you internalise everything. It feels like it because you think everyone else's life but yours rocks. It feels like it because you're not in their head. But you're not alone. You're not. I'm not.

We're all in this together.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Old Friends

Don't you just hate seeing people at school at you have eye contact for a split second and you think about how you used to be quite good friends with them, how you're not sure if they remember you so you don't want to say hi and be rejected, and you miss them a little, and then you look away because you're too damn scared of saying hi.

I've done this countless times. About two years ago (and last year) I'd see these two girls who were my best friends back in primary school. But it was too awkward to say hi. They didn't really acknowledge each other. The three of once played on the playground together, now not a word spoken between us.

It's so weird co-existing with humans you used to be close with. I guess it's similar to what hanging out with an ex-boyfriend must be like but on a smaller scale.

I hate losing friends. But it happens to everyone so at least there's comfort in that.

In primary school, one of my best friends (mentioned above) was a year older than I was and she went to intermediate school while I was stuck in year 6. I wrote her letters that I gave to her brother (who was still in primary) to pass onto her. I never got a reply. I stopped after about 5 letters. Felt like a lot of a loser.

In intermediate school, I had another quite close friend who was a year older. She had the biggest smile I knew and I learnt that people who smoke, wag class, get into fights, calls themselves a "crip" can be the nicest people ever. On the last day of school, we had a massive hug and cry in the rain because she would be going to high school the next year, I'll be stuck in year 8 and we might never see each other again. We saw each other on the street and we had a very brief awkward conversation. Just formalities really.

In high school (which I'm still in), I had a really close friend. Then I had to go make things awkward by telling him I "like" liked him and now we're not close friends. Yeah.

I had a best friend in Samoa who was Japanese and she didn't really talk to anyone but me. Not even the teacher. When the teacher would ask her a question, she'd whisper in my ear and I'd answer for her. I would eat half of her lunch and drink her tea.
 I had another best friend in another school in Samoa who once punched me in the face. I was a bit scared of her but she was like a shield for me from the mean boys. We were very competitive about our academics.

It's always interesting seeing how people have changed over the years. I would love to meet all my old friends again and tell them how much I appreciate them. How much I sometimes miss them but am quite glad to have known them.

I miss my old friends but I love my now friends. I'm so blessed to have like-able people around me. Friends is a thing I talk about a lot but I really like them.

An fyi:
I've written and not posted so many posts and this was that post where I felt like I had to just do it. So I did. No proofreading in case I chickened out. Again. Good.