Sunday, September 23, 2012

Being Angry

I'm quite an angry person. And I guess that statement doesn't seem very earth-shockingly groundbreaking seeing as I AM a teenager and I've heard that "emo-ness" and the feeling of anxiety, lonliness and anger are common among my people and fades once our hormones have settled and our frontal lobe has developed and all that. So I guess I better write this down so adult-me can see how 17-year-old-me thought about life - and particularly, anger.

I get extremely angry on a fairly regular basis. Like red-hot, cussing, throw-things type of angry. Except, all this anger is internalised. So although I get quite hot in the face, I swear really loudly in my head (or mumble it under my breath when no one is around) and only imagine throwing things because I don't like sudden loud noises. I never physically take out my anger by assalting other human beings so my violent streak is a kind of secret - except to maybe my family who always see when I'm in a foul mood (although, I don't expect they know just how foul my thoughts get).

I bottle my anger because frankly, I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to hurt others' feelings by voicing them just to get things off MY chest - it's healthy - but seems kinda selfish. I don't want my burden to be lightened at the expense of loading it onto someone else. Also, you can't take words back and in my moments of extreme anger - I fear I won't be able to filter my words and I'll say too much... so better to say nothing at all than to cause collateral that I'll later have to clean up because of my carelessness.

If it gets too much, it all comes out in tears but apart from that - I don't really have an outlet... apart from writing that is... but even then, it's like a censored, watered down version of what I really feel. 

Also, that thing about holding in your anger for so long, is that it becomes on big pile of resentment and bitterness that I can't even separate present causes from past grudges. I get really upset about something and I wonder if it really is that one thing that's bothering me or just one of the many... 

Because if these events were independent of each other - it would seem quite petty to get so uncontrollably angry about something that others simply brush off. But that's not how life works and events in our lives are rarely mutually exclusive. Everything that happens to us piles on, on top of one another. So when you're reaching your limit - anything minute and trivial could be (or rather, seem like) the end of the world.

The thing is, when I sleep on it, my anger goes away. I wake up totally fine. But not that healthy I've-moved-on-from-it fine. More like the pushed-under-the-rug-in-denial fine. Because I haven't really forgiven, I've just stopped thinking about it. I've stopped caring. I don't wanna deal with it because I don't feel the hurt, anger and frustration. I don't feel anything. So I just carry on with my day not looking back.

Until it happens again. Until the same thing that pissed me off the first time resurfaces. Then that evil feelings returns - with a vengence. Determined to better the anger from last time. All this time I thought my anger disappear. But it was just lying there in the shadows, waiting, growing, lurking, just waiting to see something that it could feast on. Something I haven't overcome. A weakness. A fault-line. A crack in the wall. Then BAM! It's back and threatening to eat me up.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I guess this is my first step.


Friday, September 21, 2012

People Around Me In Love And That

Romantic relationships are a thing that I've observed a lot in my life. Through fictional stories, semi-fictional stories (like, from E!) and very true life stories from the people around me. I see patterns, cycles, typical behaviour and all that.

I've seen how easily people change (particularly girls). How they compromise what they shouldn't (core values and that) but remain stubborn over the trivial things. 

I've seen how needy someone gets because they're so deprived of love before the relationship and depend solely on the other half of the couple to fulfill their emotional needs - which is WAY too much responsibility and burden for one human. That person feels suffocated and bolts - leaving the needy one even worse off than before. More than heartbroken and so willing to take them back.

I've seen how two people can stay together no matter how life-draining and unhealthy it is. They don't try to make things better but won't leave out of fear of being alone. So they stay, get bitter, die inside every day, but hey, at least they're not in that loser "forever alone" group.

I've seen how one party give give gives and the other take take takes. That's a recipe for how to slow-cook a nice, big bowl of resentment.

I've seen how couples begin to take the other for granted and always assume that the other party understands them and thus never explain what they really mean - leading to frustration and arguments that don't even make sense to the other person because they're no Jean Grey or specialise in code communication or are just too lazy to try. Either way, communication breaks down and every conversation is a ticking bomb.

I've seen how mistrust makes people psycho.

As well as the need to control.

I've seen abusive relationships - both emotionally and physically. The "victim" stays and they leave only to return again.

I've seen all this and more.

I've seen people who've known this and believed they were the exceptions then fall into the same ole sob story.

Which makes me curious what I'd be like. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Laura Toailoa

As you can tell by my blog name, I don't really go about the internet under an alias or anonymous username - you see, I lack in creativity when it comes to making up names for myself. When I was ten, I was super excited to create my very own email address! I felt so grown up. So I thought long and hard and settled with My goodness it was SUCH a pain to write down for other people. So I eventually created a newer (but still boring) email address - (I know you've been DYING to know it, so there it is! ;) ). LOL

Every time I sign up to social networking sites or anything really, my instinct (to which I almost always stick to) is to make my username "lauratoailoa". I mean, it's not like it's ever going to be taken.

Which is only now starting to make me feel paranoid - should I have been more careful in revealing my real details?.... Future employers could easily write my name on Google and might dig up something in my now times that makes the difference between me getting the job or not. I've Googled myself (I know you have too! I mean... Googled yourself... not me) and blimen heck I wasn't very smart when signing up for things. I considered changing the name of this blog to make it more anonymous but then I've uploaded loads of photos on here already and blah blah blah.

What was the point of this post? Nothing really. Just a reason to type and get things out of my head  -  for isn't that the reason most blog?

Also, brownies and milk in my own "Laura" cup makes solitary nights feel less lonely

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Today, Life Is Good.

Oh what a relieving, refreshing experience it is to talk to someone else about your worries, insecurities and fears only to realise that they really do know what you mean. How beautiful it is to find a soul who completely understands and can empathise. How blessed I am to have people in my life who encourage my spirit more than they intended - who speak simply but effect words that change my world. How peaceful it is to realise my life is not ending - it's just beginning.

These worries, fade away. My problems, don't last. My tears will dry, my heart will mend, I will smile again.

I love it when people encourage my soul without being patronising. They speak truth as a matter of fact and speak without alterior motives. Their words resonant within long after they're spoken. They understand, they empathise, they nod their heads and saying that knowing "mmm" that lets me know we're on the same page.
"But what a comfort it is to share readings and experiences. How lucky we are when we get to be alone together."- John Green

I read somewhere -  "Life sucks then you die." But that will not be me, life sucks... but I live on. And on. And on. Till it gets better. So it's not that catchy but whatevs man.

If you asked me right now how I am... I would answer "fine". In the truest sense. I might not be fine tomorrow, but tomorrow can't worry about itself. For today my heart is quiet, content and smiling.

Goodnight dear reader :)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Somebody I Used To Know

Dear Boy Who Used To Be So Important To Me,

I never really did close myself off to the possibility burning hope of seeing you again and seeing where we'd go from there and I never really did "get over you". I sometimes thought, what if things were different? What if I just stayed a little bit longer? What if what if what if what if....... Which seems silly because well, it's been a LONG while since us, and I don't even know if you care enough to hold me somewhere in your memories. Some days, I've wished I was, other days I've thought I wasn't worthy enough to be remembered. But now, I don't mind not knowing. It doesn't bother me either way. I wish things didn't go down like they did but they did. And I'm okay. Now. No more what if's. No more wishing upon a hopeless star. Just peace.

You were so gloriously perfect. Your freakin' gorgeous hair, that killer smile, your swag, your alluring way with words and the fact that you even considered me made me die and feel alive at the same time. I remember all that, the infatuated high, that giddy feeling and suppress the fact that I didn't really know you. I exposed my soul and everything I was and I didn't really see much of you. (NOTE TO MY FAMILY READING THIS: I promise you this is totally NON physical. haha). You spoke but never said much. Your words that captivated me then now seems rehearsed, recycled, retold. You never let me in, maybe you didn't know how or it just never crossed your mind to. Maybe you didn't notice my vulnerability. I wrote you embarrassingly sappy poems and letters for goodness sakes - who DOES that?! What? Did I think I was in some stupid rom com or Nicholas Sparks book or something?! Aaah, silly silly Laura. I was under your ridiculously charming spell that I SWORE was the real deal. The freakin' one. Fate. Soul Mates and all that shinanigans.

But you weren't. And I'm okay with that now. I can actually look back and laugh at myself instead of cringe or cry. The wound is now a scar, a scar that I don't mind having - no matter how ugly and painful it was to get it.

I hope you're okay. I will always wish good for you and your future - you're Laura-less future. Which is cool. You're cool.

Can't believe it took me this long. MAN I don't let things go very easily.

Goodbye J, and goodnight :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

What Other People Think (of me)

I think about all the people (girls) who backstab other girls when they're not around and I wonder... what do these girls say about me when I'm not around. Mind you, they might not say much, I'm not exactly hot topic of conversation... but there's that insecure teenage part of me that is so hesitant to keep smiling at people who talk rubbish about others to (or around) me because I can't help but think they apply the same respect (or lack thereof) to me.

There's another part of me that's like, "pfft, no one talks about you - ever."

I don't know which part is more insecure - the part that WANTS to be talked about for the sake of being talked about, or the part that doesn't want to be talked about in fear that it won't be good.

I surprise myself with my semi-obsession about this. I never thought I would care about something like this - but I'm not immune to this version of fame. Why am I so obsessed with fame - and not even worldwide fame - simply fame among my peers. Peers who I won't see most of for the rest of life after this year is over. So why does it matter so much what they think of me. Although, my sister did once point out not to worry about what others thought of you since they're busy thinking about themselves (like I am now).

One thing I was thinking about recently was judging others and all that. And I figured, the human race is so naturally judgmental (usually). So no matter what I do, how hard I try to please people, someone, at least one (but probably more) will find a way to fault me. It's just a thing that happens. And the sooner I accept that that's a constant in life, the sooner I can focus on things I CAN change.

Thus ends another late night ramble about something rather. I hope it was enjoyable for you because the few minutes you spent reading this will never be returned. Lucky you.

Goodnight :)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Someone Like Me

Sometimes A lot of the time, I wish I knew someone who thinks and overthinks like I do. I mean, I know of a few people but none in real life that I can talk to on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to my friends and family and stuff but it would be nice to talk about the inner workings of my brain and not have someone say "Woah, you're so weird right," or "that's so interesting the way you think about stuff" or "man, I don't even get you but it's fun to watch you talk about stuff no one thinks about".

I mean, it's extremely flattering when people tell me I fascinate them and it's fun to see the look on other people's faces when they've stopped keeping up with my crazy nonsensical thoughts. But I would love to be talking to someone and they'd be on the same page as me, they'd be nodding along and their face would glow with anticipation because they'd have drawn conclusions on the matter and couldn't wait to hear my opinion of it so we could discuss it together.

I have a person in mind to talk to about my craziness but I'm so hesitant to approach them because once I tell a little thing about my thoughts, my brain's like, "oh, okay, flush ALL your thoughts out - got it!". I have large talking inertia. It's hard to change the current state of it (which is silence). But once that's overcome, it's hard to stop. Also, crying is a thing that happens. I cry easily. VERY easily - I think they have a term for it... aha, yes... cry baby. But not like Johnny Depp, much less cool than that (because we all thought that movie was cool right?? lol)!

So yeah, it'll be cool to talk to someone who didn't make me feel weird. And I know there are lots of nice people who are willing to talk with me and be nice and try not to offend me, but it's still not the same as someone who I didn't have to try explain myself to  - they'd just... get it.

Or maybe I'm just being way too emo about this and my thoughts are not as complicated as I make them out to be and many people could empathise perfectly with me and I just should just stop being a drama queen. But I just need to talk to SOMEONE right. Like Rihanna once said, shut up and drive.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Get Up Even If You Don't Want To

Spoiler for the fifth episode of the fifth series of Doctor Who Flesh and Stone. Although I only use it as a  reference so if you haven't watched it and don't care to, still read this.

Okay, if you've seen that episode, you might remember that the Angels get imprinted in her brain and threaten to kill her. She felt weaker by the second and started to believe she was turning into stone. The Doctor tells her to close her eyes because it's the only way to stop that Angel. Then she says, "No, no, I don't want to."  In which he replies, "Good, because that's not you, that's the Angel inside you, it's afraid! Do it! Close your eyes!" Everything inside screamed and resisted against it, yet, it was what saved her.

Okay, anecdote over now. This made me think about all the times I felt thing resembling depression (or perhaps was) but being happy was the last thing I was thinking about. Because when I'm incredible sad, I don't want to make things better, I don't want to be better. I just want to eat chocolate and lie down and cry for a little ever. But that's not good. Because sadness is infinite and if I never get out of it, it will consume me and I will fall into suicidal territory (I've edged it a bit before). 

I don't know if you believe in God and Satan but even if you don't, you can use Satan to represent the "darkness" and God the "light". Anyway, Satan hates God so naturally, being better, feeling not-depressed is not something that Satan wants so when you're in his territory, his depression, trying to get out of it feels unnatural, is repellent because it wants you to stay, to spiral down. It knows if you take those steps into getting out, getting better, it would its grip on you. Becasue it wants you to stay a prisoner.

Which is why doing what you don't want is exactly what you should do. Which is a hard pill for me to swallow because I so easily jump on the self-pity bandwagon and rarely the self-help one. Because when I'm happy, I want to keep things that way, taking care of myself and loving myself come naturally. 

I don't know if I've really done my thoughts justice with my writing but hopefully you're able to read the exformation* that I've failed to provide. I thought I better record this thought train in case I forgot it. 

Have a good night :)

*I don't think this is a legit word but exformation is like information, except it's not stated but you still might see and understand it. Like when people say vague, incoherrent sentences then say "you know what I mean?" 
To use it in a sentence: Girls provide too much exformation and not enough information.