Sunday, September 23, 2012

Being Angry

I'm quite an angry person. And I guess that statement doesn't seem very earth-shockingly groundbreaking seeing as I AM a teenager and I've heard that "emo-ness" and the feeling of anxiety, lonliness and anger are common among my people and fades once our hormones have settled and our frontal lobe has developed and all that. So I guess I better write this down so adult-me can see how 17-year-old-me thought about life - and particularly, anger.

I get extremely angry on a fairly regular basis. Like red-hot, cussing, throw-things type of angry. Except, all this anger is internalised. So although I get quite hot in the face, I swear really loudly in my head (or mumble it under my breath when no one is around) and only imagine throwing things because I don't like sudden loud noises. I never physically take out my anger by assalting other human beings so my violent streak is a kind of secret - except to maybe my family who always see when I'm in a foul mood (although, I don't expect they know just how foul my thoughts get).

I bottle my anger because frankly, I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to hurt others' feelings by voicing them just to get things off MY chest - it's healthy - but seems kinda selfish. I don't want my burden to be lightened at the expense of loading it onto someone else. Also, you can't take words back and in my moments of extreme anger - I fear I won't be able to filter my words and I'll say too much... so better to say nothing at all than to cause collateral that I'll later have to clean up because of my carelessness.

If it gets too much, it all comes out in tears but apart from that - I don't really have an outlet... apart from writing that is... but even then, it's like a censored, watered down version of what I really feel. 

Also, that thing about holding in your anger for so long, is that it becomes on big pile of resentment and bitterness that I can't even separate present causes from past grudges. I get really upset about something and I wonder if it really is that one thing that's bothering me or just one of the many... 

Because if these events were independent of each other - it would seem quite petty to get so uncontrollably angry about something that others simply brush off. But that's not how life works and events in our lives are rarely mutually exclusive. Everything that happens to us piles on, on top of one another. So when you're reaching your limit - anything minute and trivial could be (or rather, seem like) the end of the world.

The thing is, when I sleep on it, my anger goes away. I wake up totally fine. But not that healthy I've-moved-on-from-it fine. More like the pushed-under-the-rug-in-denial fine. Because I haven't really forgiven, I've just stopped thinking about it. I've stopped caring. I don't wanna deal with it because I don't feel the hurt, anger and frustration. I don't feel anything. So I just carry on with my day not looking back.

Until it happens again. Until the same thing that pissed me off the first time resurfaces. Then that evil feelings returns - with a vengence. Determined to better the anger from last time. All this time I thought my anger disappear. But it was just lying there in the shadows, waiting, growing, lurking, just waiting to see something that it could feast on. Something I haven't overcome. A weakness. A fault-line. A crack in the wall. Then BAM! It's back and threatening to eat me up.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I guess this is my first step.

Goodnight.

2 comments:

  1. You're a sweetheart. I Feel like most people don't know how to deal with their feelings.

    Try writing uncensored rants then burning them in an old can or something. Or I feel like you'd be the prime candidate for kick boxing classes.

    I used to do the classes and would feel so much better after punching/kicking the bejesus out of a boxing bag haha.

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    1. No matter how angry I get - I'm certain it cannot overpower my self-conciousness of being violent to an inanimate object. LOL

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